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For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1 . Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement..
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living...
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.
And there you have it.
Let your next action reveal your true self.
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Tiger Woods
* Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
* What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
* Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.
* The only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.
* Might have been worse Tiger, you could have lost your putter!
* Q: What course gives Tiger the most trouble? A: Intercourse.
* If only Tiger had hit a mailbox and a stop sign as well, he could have completed the Grand Slam!
* You usually find a tree in the Woods, Tiger’s wife found a Woods in a tree.
* It’s a publicity stunt for his new DVD release, “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant”.
* Nike wants to drop their endorsement, apparently Tiger’s balls go everywhere.
* Difference between playing golf and driving a car? In golf, Tiger can stay out of the trees.
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An Actual Craig's List Personals Ad
Date: 2009-11-25, 1:43 a.m.
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!< /B>
I gave your shoes to a homeless g uy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
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NUNS & THE BLIND MAN
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it ?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds ?"
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Funny quotes
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac
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Cows & Politics Explained
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
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Return to the Doghouse
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Redneck Skiing
Track Hoe Skiing in a Pond in Saluda, SC.
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The job
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Banned commercials 
Swear jar...
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Banned commercial
Clothing drive...
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Mapa Europy według Polaka!
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Let Me Tell You About My Weekend
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special..'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would
be made and the old man stated, 'by check.
I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call
the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon, 'he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.' '
I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'
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A Somali arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving mehousing, money forfood, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !'
The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a Canadian ?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians ?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'
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The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting “Oh God!”
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”.
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I don't know why, as a human trait, we are amused by the misfortunes of others.
We sometimes like to pretend we aren't.
To test yourselves, see if you can look at this pic without even a slight grin. -
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REDNECK BABY CHAIR AND TEETHING RING
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Widze ,że rzesza literatów rośnie .A może by tak spotkanie "literackie"
A więc ku pokrzepieniu serc.Tolek Banan
TOLEK BANAN
Od lat znamy Tolka tego
Co ma wybujałe’ EGO’
Znamy jego wypowiedzi
Wiemy gdzie i na czym siedzi
Co dzień rano rozpoczyna
Jego znana to godzina
Ciągle krzyczy spiski węszy
Wszędzie chce byc tylko pierwszy
Sprzedał serce i papiery
A to wszystko dla kariery
Pluł też kiedyś od niechcenia
Na kraj swego urodzenia
Na kraj co dał jemu wszystko
Wykształcenie i nazwisko
Dziś on polskość nam tłumaczy?
Może znajdzie swych słuchaczy
Bo ja jestem Banan Tolek
Detroicki Olek – Bolek
Ciągle się dostosowuje
Do tego kto mu pasuje
Tak rozgrywa w życiu poker
Ten nasz Banan Johny Walker.
Może Admin poszerzy forum o' tworczość forumowiczów?'
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Do pana Zdzicha Kwiatkowskiego, który od dłuższego czasu nie opłacał rachunków za gaz, przyszło upomnienie w dość ostrym tonie, podpisane przez kierownika działu windykacji Zakładu Gazowniczego. Pan Zdzich wziął kartkę papieru, osiadł przy biurku i odpisał co następuje:
Szanowny Panie,
Pragnę Pana poinformować, iż raz na miesiąc gdy otrzymuje rentę, zbieram wszystkie rachunki dotyczące opłat za mieszkanie i resztę mediów. Wrzucam je do dużego dzbana, mieszam i losuje trzy, z którymi idę na pocztę i opłacam. Jeżeli pańska Instytucja pozwoli sobie choćby jeszcze raz przysłać do mnie list utrzymany w podobnym tonie, to jej faktury na rok zostaną wykluczone z loterii.
Z poważaniem
Zdzisław Kwiatkowski
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Buy, Buy American Pie
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ZWilk i zając.
"Sztuka" w trzech aktach.
ZYSK
To znaczy: STRATA = ZYSK
Ispiracja:Występy ekspertów
Dziedzina : Ekonomia.
Przenieśmy się do krainy zwierząt
Osoby (zwierzeta) :
1 Zając –przebigły ,chytry,cwany ,bezczelny
2 Wilczyca-chytra ,spragniona,
3 Wilk-zasadniczy
Zaczynamy;
Akt I
Wilczyca w domu sama.
Zagląda Zając
-Mąż w domu? Pyta
-Nie . Odpowiada ona
Zając na to
-Od dawna podobasz mi się myśle o tobie dzień i noc.
- Proszę połóż się ze mną.
Ona na to
- Ale mąż ,co powie na to?
Zając z błyskiem w oku
-Przecież go niema.
I aby ją przekonać
-Masz tu $ 100 kupisz sobie coś ładnego
Ona myśli :chłopa niema $100 ładna sumka
Akt II
Sypialnia.
Akt III
Wieczorem wraca do domu Wilk już od progu pyta
-Zając był?!
-Był
Odpowiada ona z drżącym głosem
A na to on
-A $ 100 oddał?!
KURTYNA
Czy była tu jakaś strata? Czy same zyski?
Kto stracił.
Wilk?
Zyskał to czego nie miał.Poroże ,pomyślisz .Tak ale zawsze to zysk.
Odzyskał też swoje pieniądze.
Zajac?
Zyskał zaufanie( ?) przyjaciół ,jako solidny dłuznik.Takiemu można pożyczyc częściej.
Wilczyca ?
Przyjemność ,przyjemność odzyskania długu dla męża.Radość z przyjmowania gości.
Dbanie o ich potrzeby.Zdowolenie.
Morał :
Pieniądz przechodzi z rąk do rąk – tutaj z łap do łap przynosząc same zyski.
No i gdzie tu strata?
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Dzięki, nowy.
Teoria "starta jest zyskiem" w wykonaniu Dul nie przekonała mnie.
Ty pokazałeś to w sposób, który przemówił do mojej wyobraźni.
Musze sprawdzić swój kajecik dłużnika. Któremu z moich młodszych kolegów "wiszę" parę grajcarów?
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Spełzło na marzeniach, Ms Zoomboy chce iść ze mną ;(
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Dinner for One
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